?

Log in

The Support Center

I am in a mono-poly relationship as the mono-secondary of a man who…

Support polyfamily

flower

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
I am in a mono-poly relationship as the mono-secondary of a man who is married and has a disabled wife. She has neurological damage which has led to her using a wheel-chair and having many memory difficulties.

Recently my boyfriend asked if I would like him to spend the night some time, and said he had already gotten it okayed by his wife. My gut response was that I'm not ready for that yet, as it feels like a huge step emotionally. Then I realized that part of what bothers me is the idea of my boyfriend being separate from his wife overnight, especially since he's recently been told she should have a caregiver present 24/7.

What sort of sleeping arrangements have you found do or do not work well when one of your SOs has a SO in need of physical care? How can I be thoughtful and sensitive in this situation?
  • You need to let him know that part of your reluctance is concern for his wife. He might be able to get respite care for her, though he might want to just tell respite he needs a night away rather than going into details.

    Is her need for 24/7 care being addressed? It's a huge burden on a spouse to be the only source of care for someone like that -- I don't need 24/7 care except after a surgery, and I know that's a burden to my family as well. However, if she has nursing care as well as her husband, it's likely she wants him to have some time away from the constant burden.

    The only way to resolve this issue is going to be communication. When you feel comfortable that she's comfortable with the situation and she is receiving the care she needs, you may or may not be up to having your boyfriend spend the night, but at least you'll know that the situation is safe for his wife.

    Keep talking. It's the only way to get a good idea of what is going on in the other person's head.
    • When you feel comfortable that she's comfortable with the situation and she is receiving the care she needs, you may or may not be up to having your boyfriend spend the night, but at least you'll know that the situation is safe for his wife.

      Yes, this hits the nail on the head. I think getting to know his wife a bit better would probably help, too. So far, I've spent very little time interacting with her, and much of what I hear is through my boyfriend.
      • I agree, I think you should get to know her a bit better. She should feel better if she knows you; I know I'm happier when my hubby is dating a friend -- but we both believe in friends before lovers anyway. It does sound like you'll breathe easier knowing her and knowing she is well cared for when you have him over; I would definitely pursue that angle.

        My details, if you are interested: I'm disabled and use a wheelchair to get around. I can move about some within the house but not far out of the house. I have several issues with my lower back, as well as arthritis and depression. I'm also a breast cancer survivor and just had a hysterectomy. My goal for the year is to spend a year without going to the hospital. I have a second spouse who we live with, and he is mono -- so we're in an N, or W, or squiggle, depending how far out you want to follow the definition. My V has held up for 12 years now; he started dating a friend occasionally a few months ago and she dates more than one person as well.
Powered by LiveJournal.com