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"I carved your name in my heart...I'd destroy this world for you..."

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"I carved your name in my heart...I'd destroy this world for you..."

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Does this include mental illness?

I live with my bf (who is perfectly stable and mentally healthy) and my bipolar gf. I am bipolar as well. I take my meds, she tends to not, if we don't remind her every night, for awhile she lied about it, before seeing how badly that was destroying us.

But that isn't really what I'm here to talk about right now.

I had a tertiary bf (I suppose you would call him) who had borderline personality disorder, he lived a very tortured life. There were very few moments that I could say I caught him "happy" when he wasn't paying attention to the pain he was experiencing. It was hard to deal with, and towards the end, the constant suicidal ideation started to make me angry, so angry at times with him, that I would feel like I was going to puke. (literally, I have never experienced anger this intense before) anger at the thought of him leaving me behind.

Well, he came home one night and told me he did heroin for the first time and that was pretty much all I could take. I told him I loved him, I cried, and he said he loved me too. So that night, we split .

Anyhow, here we are, 7 months later, and he killed himself last saturday. I found out on tuesday in the worst way, overhearing someone at the bar talking about his death. In the back of my mind I didn't believe it was true, until I googled his name and found his obit.

Even though things were hard every step of the way, and I had to leave him for the well being of my own mental health ( I landed in the psych hospital after a particular nasty event, the stress was too much ) I still loved him, I never got to say good bye because a friend convinced me that i didn' tneed "closure" ...I had just wanted to tell him that he could come to me, if he needed to, even if we weren't together. That if he needed me, I would be there. I can't help but feel like he had no one to turn to, and that I abandoned him.


I told my mom about it and the first thing she said was, "You shouldn't be dating other people." Someone I loved is DEAD and all she can think to do is critisize my relationship style?

I had to tell my gma that it was a 'friend' because even though she knows that I'm poly, I'd like to minimize any drama with her that may ensue. It's all very lonely. I didn't know any of his friends, and my bf and gf hated him. I feel like I have to justify my pain, jus because they don't understand why I feel this way. It's tough.

I just wanted to get that out I suppose. If anyone else is dealing with mental health issues...well you can talk to me. It's a lonely way to live sometimes.
  • ***hugs, if you want them***


    I am sad with you. BPD is horrible... My mother has it, and it's a pretty bizarre and scary place for those dealing with the person afflicted with BPD, let alone for the people who have the disorder themselves.


    I don't know what else to say, except that I'm sad with you.
  • Yeah, I'm sorry about yer mom.

    *hugs to you too*

    ...and thanks...
  • There are a lot of online support groups for people who are involved with or were involved with borderlines. Maybe one of them would be helpful for you.

  • Just remember this, you are never responsible for someone else committing suicide. No matter how much they tried to make you think you would be.

    In my life I have tried to fix people's mental illnesses. No amount of effort ever helped. So I now feel the right thing is to steer them toward professionals who actually can help, and then vanish in order to save myself.

    Best wishes. We are all responsible for our own choices; they cannot be made into anyone's else's doing.


    (P.S. Your type font is microscopic and almost unreadable. Can you fix this?)
    • Oops, I see it wasn't your font, it was the community creator's.
    • Amen, brother!

      My way to help people with mental illness is the same -- point them to professional help and get out of the picture.
  • of course you are welcome here!

    When I created this community I admit that I wasn't thinking of mental illness. But your story has shown me that this was an oversight and I will change the interest list on the profile page to reflect this.

    I am so sorry, and for the way you heard about it. Sometimes that can be one of the worst parts. Your mother's reaction is exactly why I thought this community was necessary.
  • If you have not yet, you need to get some kind of grief counseling immediately.

    When I was 18 my primary committed suicide after a long slow slide back into depression. My secondary (who was also his best friend) blamed me our relationship ended badly. I felt that I had no one to go to and kept it all to myself and as a result spent the better part of the next decade struggling with (what I now know was) post traumatic stress syndrome.

    I lost almost a dame decade of my life that I will never get back.

    Your GF and BF might not have liked him but surely they can support you in your need to grieve. Most importantly, please get professional help in working through this loss as soon as you can.
  • Book Recommendation

    There's a small, blue paperback out called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." I'm not sure of the author, but it's a unique title. It explains some of the thought processes of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, and gives advice on how to deal with such people.

    You did have to leave to save yourself, and his choices are not your responsibility. Perhaps the book will help you understand a little better. I'm glad you are going to see your therapist.

    One thing that might help with people who don't understand poly is to simply refer to otherloves as your "chosen family." That doesn't involve explaining who sleeps with who, just that the person was more than "just" a friend.
    • Re: Book Recommendation

      "One thing that might help with people who don't understand poly is to simply refer to otherloves as your "chosen family."

      WOW, that is going to help me a lot! Thank you so much!
  • I used to be diagnosed borderline, they say you can't get over it, but I think you can, I really WANTED to be well, it was important to me because it was destroying my relationships. I went through a ton of therapy, dbt, IOP, CBT, *LOL* IOP used mostly dbt, and I eventually got better, I mean, there are still fucked up things, but I USE THE SKILLS I learned.

    So I know about borderline...and I have read through that book in the past. I just think a lot of borderlines find comfort in their misery, and when it's no longer comforting, they kill themselves. :(
  • I came over here to look at this community after seeing it mentioned in polyamory. I was just lurking because I'm not ill or dating anyone ill, but when I saw your post I had to respond.

    Someone I loved also committed suicide, and I just wanted to send you my deepest condolences. I wish I could offer more than that through the net. There is an LJ community called survivedsuicide that I have found to be incredibly supportive and friendly.

    Many many **hugs** to you. There is a whole extra layer of grief with a suicide. Be kind to yourself as you deal with this.
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